Funny As Hell Story

 Funny As Hell Story

Funny As Hell Story

If you were to look at a number of those Lifetime films that they may be maximum well-known for you will note that they regularly involve a woman being murdered, hoodwinked, maimed, crushed, abducted, beheaded. You recognize, woman stuff. (target audience applauding) (upbeat instrumental tune) - Look, I don't want to gloat. (audience guffawing) But I've were given money, ok? (target audience cheering)

All right?

I were given the kinda cash, like, after I'm sick, I go to the physician (target market giggling) inside the United States. (audience giggling) (audience applauding) That's wealthy. (target audience laughing) When I get unwell I'm like, Grandma, preserve your Vicks, we're going to the health practitioner. That's how a lot money I were given. (target market laughing) Rappers make it rain champagne, I make it rain penicillin. I'm like, proper there, anyone. (target audience laughing) So I was at Bloomingdale's in the clearance section. (audience laughing) I can have enough money the clearance, now not the regular priced stuff,

ok? (target market laughing) 

So I'm at Bloomingdale's and I see a bag that I like and it doesn't have a rate and I stand through it. And humans, they start strolling and nobody stops, proper? They simply walk, stroll, stroll. Finally, a female walks by means of and I'm like, "Hey, how an awful lot is this bag?" She's like, "Oh. (audience giggling) It's $800." (target audience guffawing) Okay. (audience giggling) I'm gonna purchase that bag. She's like, "Oh, are you? Mm... (audience guffawing) We'll I'm just gonna take the bag. I'm gonna hold it up front till you are ready to check out." Bitch. (audience giggling)

So we're at the cash sign up, proper?

And she's typing, typing whatever and it is taking for all time. Like, I experience that she does not assume that I'm gonna purchase the bag. Like midway thru I'm gonna be like, "JK, I'm terrible, bye!" (audience giggling) Typing, typing, typing. Now right here's the thing you gotta recognize approximately me. My mother taught me to never bitch, we do not complain. Like, if I get the wrong food at a eating place, I eat the wrong food, I don't bitch, proper? But this lady's being so horrible, like manifestly horrible, right? She's like. (mumbles mockingly) (target audience laughing) Like look, I'm sorry, I gotta forestall you. You are being lousy, you are being rude, and I'm gonna educate you a lesson.

Now, I do not even want this bag. (audience laughing) I'm buying this bag because I've were given the money to buy this bag and now not handiest that, this bag is for me, I want you to gift wrap it. That bag is for me however I need to marvel myself like, what did I get me? I want you to surprise, present wrap it, gift wrap it. (target audience guffawing) (target audience cheering) And I stood there, I'm like, "More ribbon." (target market laughing) I pay, she gives me the card, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, "You recognize, I'm doing this to teach you a lesson. I do not know what it's miles about me, but for some cause you watched that I can not afford to store right here?

I don't know what you assume me to get dressed, like, put on to the shop, like what, a fucking wedding ceremony gown? (target market guffawing) And need I remind you that I'm purchasing at Bloomingdale's and you are fucking working at Bloomingdale's, okay? (target market cheering) (audience applauding) Now supply me my fucking bag, thank you." (target audience guffawing) I left, I become on foot off. You men, that is the closest, like, that become the movie "Selena" like, we don't need that get dressed. You know what I imply? (target audience cheering) And like "Pretty Woman" large mistake. Like, it truly is in which I changed into, I cross, "Ooh." I left I turned into like, mm. I was ready to get to the out of doors to just lose it, you realize, like? (giggling) (target market laughing)

I walked out of that save with pride. I walked out of that keep with dignity, and I were given into my car and I changed into like, "Yes!" And I drove to the nearest Bloomingdale's to return that fucking bag. (audience applauding) 'Cause I could not afford it however I taught that complain a lesson and that is all that matters! (audience cheering) - People actually need to undertaking me approximately most of these ladies coming forward. Someone came as much as me and became like, "Well, how do those girls even recollect what passed off?" Like, oh, 'cause we recognised for our tremendous capability to forget shit. (target audience laughing)

We're acknowledged for simply letting matters pass after some time. It's our aspect. Maybe some human beings do not understand that when you get stressed at a younger age you may not even put together that that's what's occurring till later in lifestyles when you're an adult. That became considered one of my experiences. When I changed into 19 years vintage I were given a task as an additional in a television show and the first day I changed into there the director who changed into at the least sixty five years old invited me into his trailer for lunch. So I pass into his trailer, and I realize what you are thinking, why did you cross into his trailer? Because I changed into an idiot. I was 19 years old, no one had told me trailers were awful. There became a whole lot of shit I failed to recognise. I also notion clean bra straps had been clear. (audience laughing)

I additionally idea that woman residing with my aunt became her roommate. (target audience giggling) I also notion guys might be allergic to latex. There turned into quite a few shit (target audience applauding) I hadn't discovered yet. (audience laughing) Don't blame me. So of path I go into his trailer. Out of nowhere he simply lunges at me. I did not understand what was going on 'reason he become a lot older than me. I concept he fell. I become like, "Are you okay? Oh my God, are you passing away, what's going on?" No concept what to do with that story. I don't recollect the guy's name. But the coolest news is I did by chance come across a fantastic manner to deal with harassment at paintings from a creepy guy. Just faux you believe you studied he is having a medical emergency. (target audience laughing)

Next time a guy's like, "Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?" Just move, "Oh my God, a person call an ambulance! Gary thinks he is in my league! (audience guffawing) (target market applauding) I don't know if it's like dementia or perhaps it is a stroke. Gary thinks I might fuck him! We've gotta name an ambulance, it's terrible!" Don't get indignant, simply get very compassionate. (audience giggling) - You recognize, I come from a well-known own family being a Wayans. (target market member shouts) Yeah, thank you. (target market cheering) Some of y'all don't know. You're like, what? (laughs) It's been hard even though because, you realize, quite a few y'all realize half of my own family is wealthy and 1/2 of them have been poor. - [Audience Member] Yep. - Did you spot that, "Yep"? (audience guffawing) And I grew up at the poor side unluckily. Don't get me wrong, I've been in all their films. You just gotta have a hell of a slow motion button. (audience laughing)

Or have me sitting subsequent to you like, you see that constructing over there? Okay, in case you simply look to the a ways right within the nook, when he go by using that is my shoulder shadow proper there. (audience laughing) And I became just like the Cinderella of the summer season. I could come to Cali every summer, go to my wealthy side. We go to premiers, afterparties. I were given to satisfy a number of celebrities. Then whilst that clock strike at the stop of the summer time, (audience giggling) I ought to see it. I noticed the mansion leave, the gated network. I suppose my automobile turned into a fucking pumpkin at the manner to the airport. Then I needed to cross returned domestic to the Projects. I become searching at my mother like, "Woman, would it kill you to inform a fucking funny story?" (target market laughing) (audience applauding)

Yeah, on this industry I needed to make a call for myself because I kept getting uninterested in humans going, "Hey man, you would be perfect for this position. If you may just get Damon, oh guy, you would be fucking awesome." (target audience giggling) And it's without a doubt hard to separate us due to the fact humans recognise we are related. I mean, the Wayans could not even do a crime due to the fact we all fucking look alike. We were given a delegated Wayans simply to take the rap for us in case a few shit pass down. (target audience giggling)

Shit, Derek Wayans is spending time in jail for some shit I did a long time in the past. (audience giggling)

Thank you, Derek. (target market laughing) But I turned into travelling with them and I decided to revolt 'motive I got into an argument with my uncle. And proper earlier than I became happening stage, this nigga farted on me. (target market giggling) I'm like, "You're a grown-ass guy." He was like, "You wanna be one of the fellas." I was like, "Not that fucking terrible." (target market laughing)

He pissed me off so horrific that I was like I would as an alternative struggle and make a rattling name for myself. I do not need you, you don't appreciate me. I can pass do Postmates and if I ought to simply make, (laughs) (audience giggling) if I ought to simply make $500 an afternoon, that's what, $four a experience, forty eight hours, I can do this all on my own. (target audience laughing) So that's what I'm doing now, Postmates. (target audience cheering) (target audience applauding)

We got some Postmates in here? Or did I deliver to a number of y'all?

Postmates no longer that terrible. I definitely make respectable cash. It's kinda bizarre walking into humans I realize. I bumped into this dude that simply noticed the TV show. He became like, "Hey, Chaunte Wayans." You recognise, you try to over-provide an explanation for your self. I was like, "Yeah guy, you already know I'm out right here hustling." (target market laughing) Like, , simply completed journeying and shit, you understand what I suggest?

Just had some conferences, approximately to promote some shit, you already know?

I'm simply doing this to repay a little little bit of debt, , have more money. He turned into like, "Oh, cool. My meals is getting bloodless, I gotta pass." (audience giggling) You better fucking tip me, guy. - I in reality nevertheless do not have an excellent cope with on who I became. You know, there has been just something missing. I remember one day I got domestic from a purple carpet event. I walked in my residence, I took off my light-blue velour tracksuit. I threw on my favorite WNBA Women's Basketball jersey. And I sat down at the sofa and I began flipping thru the TV channels and I came upon the Lifetime Network.

Their slogan is, Lifetime, tv for girls. Now, if you had been to watch a number of these Lifetime movies that they may be maximum famous for you will observe that they frequently involve a female being murdered, hoodwinked, maimed, overwhelmed, kidnapped, beheaded. You realize, woman stuff. (target market guffawing) And I love that Lifetime is like, that is for you women, yes! (target audience laughing) So I'm sitting there on the sofa. I were given my paintings boots propped up on the coffee desk. I had made it from repurposed timber from a shed out again with my roommate Linda. (audience laughing) And on this specific day it changed into no longer one of these murder mysteries. It was a film known as "The Truth About Jane." And I do not want to bore you straighties with the plot of this film, however basically a young woman in high school realizes that she is a lesbian and her mother, she's like, "Boo!" And then (target audience laughing) via the quit of the movie her mom is like, "Yay!" And it really is the film. (target market guffawing)

So I'm sitting there and all of this hits me like a ton of bricks, I'm like, oh my God.

Oh my God.

And I say out loud for the first time in my complete life, I move, "Oh my God, I'm homosexual!" (target market cheering) (target audience applauding) And I got here to that end from watching a Lifetime film! (target audience giggling) What? (audience applauding) - But you already know what's truely gangster? We take dick. (target audience laughing) Do you know the way gangster it is to take a dick Let me explain some thing to you. The most powerful, meanest, biggest man in right here, most powerful, meanest, biggest man in right here, you pull a dick out on him he's going to be like, what? (target audience giggling) You pull a dick out on a lady she'll be like, "Oh, that's all you purchased?" (target audience guffawing) (audience applauding) 

You ever took a dick, sir? (audience laughing) Do you know how hard it is to a dick, sir? (target market guffawing) This your lady friend? Your wife, it really is proper. She gotta take your dick every day, sir! (target audience applauding) Do you understand how tough it's far to take a dick every day, sir? She takes care of your youngsters and cook dinner your fucking (target audience laughing) dinner! And she still has to cope with your dick! (audience laughing) That's what makes her loopy! (audience cheering) (target audience applauding) He's gonna be high-quality to her for like a month. (target audience laughing) - I'm going through a breakup. It occurred some time in the past. We had been collectively four years. I turned into definitely blindsided. I did it, but I become just like, whoa, like, (target audience giggling) you actually went thru with it, whoa.

No, it was awful. It become, I don't know, it is one of these breakups where it's like, I do not know in case you've ever damaged up with a person while you stay with them, however the 2d he left, even though it changed into very unhappy there was a sense of comfort. Like, I'm no longer even joking you, the second one the door shut, like the 2nd it shut I started farting for like 10 years. Like, I can't forestall. (target audience guffawing) It's simply been a regular leak on the grounds that November. I cannot, I was protecting in farts for nearly four years. All of Obama's 2d term, I can't. (audience guffawing)

The ache, I changed into cramping up and down. My middle changed into so engaged. (target market giggling) I resented him for it 'cause he knew. He needed to know that I was holding 'em in. You recognize while you hold 'em on all day and they're like, nicely, I guess we are no longer coming up so they are like, we're going to pass returned up and that they move like, (mimics bubbling) adore it makes a valid. (audience laughing)

Thank you, this man knew it earlier than I stated it. That takes place, right? Exactly, after which all of us seems at you, right? And they may be like, "Whoa." And then what do you are saying? You move, "Uh, I'm hungry, I'm so hungry. (audience giggling) My belly's growling." Yeah, that excuse only works in case you did not just devour a large meal with that individual 'motive then my boyfriend's similar to, "Yeah, I'm certain it wasn't the vegan chili you just inhaled. Pretty sure that changed into a sucked up fart." But it is simply (gurgles) and he heard me do it.

Like, I recognise he did. We shared the equal mattress for like  years. I would fall asleep and wake up to one in every of 'em. And to begin with I'd be like, who is shuffling cards in my mattress? I was like, whoa, you realize? The bed shook. I'm like, "We need to find a doorway, in which's my move bag?" But it turned into so humorous. Is there some thing worse than waking up on your very own fart when you comprehend the person subsequent to you remains conscious and you are no longer alleged to fart in the front of them? (target audience guffawing) I don't suppose there may be.

I could as a substitute awaken to a person breaking in my residence, actually, than that, it is scary. 'Cause I awakened and I would just freeze and then I'd begin shuffling the covers round like maybe he could assume it is a cowl sound, you understand? I'm similar to, I simply have a squeaky cover. That's a element, don't worry approximately it. Smells like sewage, do not overthink it. - You realize what's loopy is, like, one of the matters that I learned in lifestyles is the way to live to tell the tale, proper? I'm a survivor, mm. (audience laughing) And after I changed into more youthful it was so loopy 'purpose I could connect with dudes 'motive I changed into so hungry. I weighed like a hundred kilos and I become starving and I might exit for dinner and lunch and breakfast and I changed into hungry. (audience giggling) And I'd be like, "Oh shoot, my cycle overdue.

Oh my God, what am I gonna do?" And then I could just visit Six Flags and I could get on every roller coaster like six or seven instances and I'd drink a 5th of Hennessy after which my cycle could begin, that's how I'm doing (target market giggling) an abortion on a finances (audience guffawing) (audience applauding) That changed into the overdue 1900s. (audience guffawing) Oh.

Yep, however it's no longer even a shaggy dog story, it's the reality. That's what you learn in foster care. Like, how am I gonna take away this? I cannot find the money for Planned Parenthood. (target market laughing) You got Coca-Cola cans? Yeah, Six Flags. (target market laughing) I don't assume both one of these organizations are gonna sponsor me. (target audience giggling) But I ain't got no kids. (target market guffawing)

Regards,

Asghar Latif